Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
You Might Also Like
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
when u come home smelling like another dog
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.