Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
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Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Ain’t no way
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had