Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
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Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want