Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
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*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.