@funflaps

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

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@thedad

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

@SadieSmithRoks

It happens when you least expect it.

Your head starts to spin. You lose control and you start falling head over heels.

-winter ice/love

@Buffalojilll

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

@HenpeckedHal

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

@JB4Realz

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

@EastonEnyart

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

@MJMcKean

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

@Darlainky

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

@Super_Cynthia

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND