Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

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A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.


Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour’s BBQ.


Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.


Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.


{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??


Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.


Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?


[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift


When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.