@funflaps

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

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@dadopotamus

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

@xLiserx

Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour’s BBQ.

@LeonardCowalski

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

@WilliamAder

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

@LeviKabwato

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

@SentenceReduced

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

@bobvulfov

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

@CulturedRuffian

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.