Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
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I’m dying louder than usual today.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…