Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
You Might Also Like
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.