Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
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Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.