Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
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Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”