Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
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Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Good morning!