@lisaxy424

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

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@AGStr8upNinja

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

@shkeeber

Me: *applies temporary tattoos*

Mom: Unicorn tats?

Me: I’m in a gang.

Mom: Ha! With who, Lisa Frank?

Me: You just made a powerful enemy.

@Social_Mime

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”

@grimpossible

If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.

@shellyspivey

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!” nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

@protolalia

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

@PopSlapFunk

So we no longer say “please” and “thanks” in the office? Never got the memo. But I did get one saying it’s ok to key impolite people’s cars.

@JohnLyonTweets

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

@PurrrrrfectCat

If ignorance truly is bliss, my coworkers must be in a constant state of euphoria.