Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

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It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.


Me: *applies temporary tattoos*

Mom: Unicorn tats?

Me: I’m in a gang.

Mom: Ha! With who, Lisa Frank?

Me: You just made a powerful enemy.


Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”


If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.


“I wanna know who is responsible for this!” nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.


“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”


So we no longer say “please” and “thanks” in the office? Never got the memo. But I did get one saying it’s ok to key impolite people’s cars.


Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.


If ignorance truly is bliss, my coworkers must be in a constant state of euphoria.