Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
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HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I think I’ll stand
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?