Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
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[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
At an art museum and I thought this was art
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
LMAO
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain