@Jesssicle
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
@wendchymes
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
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@Jesssicle
@NrouteHQ
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
@MyDadIsOld
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
@SergioValenCo
You can learn a lot about a person if you install a camera in their bedroom.
@FlashShumway
Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks
“Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?”
No?
*tosses another nun off the overpass*
@Ciara_Knight
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
@DaddyJew
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
@chrisdowning
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
@BoogTweets
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
@Phook75
So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response