Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

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*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”


King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs


[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”


You can learn a lot about a person if you install a camera in their bedroom.


Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks
“Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?”
*tosses another nun off the overpass*


The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014


Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people


The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.


So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response