Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Just once, I want someone to kick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
You Might Also Like
Can I have the definition, please?
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Coworker: Man, it was cold last night!
Me: I had my heat on.
CW: I meant outside.
Me: I don’t live outside.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
You’re not a hopeless romantic. You’re just stupid.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.