Just once, I want someone to kick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

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The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”


[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?


If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.


UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.


Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth


Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.


[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.


If “Bieber fever” is when a Bieber song comes on the radio & you start throwing up & stabbing yourself, then yes I had Bieber fever once.


MOVIE GUY: I’m not giving up. I’m going to win her affections no matter what!
WORLD: This is romantic and not troubling