Just once, I want someone to kick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

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Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.




Can I have the definition, please?



On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes


Coworker: Man, it was cold last night!

Me: I had my heat on.

CW: I meant outside.

Me: I don’t live outside.



her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes


[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall


*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving


An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.


In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.