@HorribleDancer

Just once, I want someone to kick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

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@zzoker

Mathematics is the only place you can buy 60 watermelons and no one questions you

@mommajessiec

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

@ChrisIsJoking

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

@trumpetcake

My new coloring book, How To Tell The Woman You Love You’ve Been Living In Her Shrubs For A Year, comes out on tUESsdhay martha i love you

@briangaar

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

@notfaizzy

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

@robdelaney

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

@aneesa_p

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.