If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
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*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
john wicks are toilet candles
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?