Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
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That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Me : “What’s the passcode to your phone?”
Friend: “My birthday”
My friend and I:
Apparently trapping people in an elevator overnight (even if you have marsh mellows) not a good way to make friends, people are so sensitive
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT