@Ideal_Victoria

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

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@SteveKoehler22

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.

@imteddybless

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

@generaldietz

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

@ThatRascalPuff

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

@pilau

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

@crunchenhancer

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

@Abdithugger

Me : “What’s the passcode to your phone?”

Friend: “My birthday”

My friend and I:

@laurajennyjo

Apparently trapping people in an elevator overnight (even if you have marsh mellows) not a good way to make friends, people are so sensitive