Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

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Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.


Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*


Nothing like going out to a crowded place to remind yourself why you never ever go to crowded places and also a lot of people smell bad and WHY ARE YOU STANDING SO CLOSE THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE TOUCHING ME THIS LINE ISN’T GONNA MOVE FASTER IF YOU’RE PRESSED AGAINST ME!!!


[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go


If you’re hot I’m going to follow you. nnnnJust like I do on twitter.


They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon


Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on


I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.


HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia