Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
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Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
tell em, edith-anne
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Where is your GOD now????
Scream sneezers need love too.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Why is everyone getting married at me
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.