Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
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6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Whoa… oh I see lol
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.