Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
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kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.