Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
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I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
*launders Kohls cash*
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps