Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
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Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
this is funnier than any friends episode
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.