just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
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Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!