@sensual_dad

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

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@pittdave13

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

@Reverend_Scott

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

@Brianhopecomedy

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

@Book_Krazy

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

@Rollmaninoz

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

@hero_ofthenight

So apparently airport security doesn’t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.

@GinAndJif

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

@AnissaClingman

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

@ChrisStokdyk

Do you ever wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say, “My God, I look like a pillow” ? If so, that’s not a mirror – it’s your pillow.

@markedly

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.