@NotKarma

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

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@HaramiParindey

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

@Fickle_Filly

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

@SteveSuckington

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

@TheToddWilliams

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

@craiguito

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

@slimmy_shady

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

@sonictyrant

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

@pleatedjeans

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go