Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
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Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
This is why I hate group projects
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go