@NotKarma

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

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@Aikiwomannc

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

@robfee

? Cause the players gonna play play play
The haters gonna hate hate hate
Baby Im just gonna bottle it all up & develop severe trust issues ?

@RobbyActually

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

@MUMSIEesq

Give them a Cheesecake Factory gift card this holiday season so they know you “grocery store checkout line” love them

@bourgeoisalien

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

@mishakey

If you stop at a yellow light I’m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.

@kimlockhartga

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.