Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
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Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Noah was an idiot.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.