@PrisonCookies: Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
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@thedad: Dr: how’s your diet? Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
@KylePlantEmoji: Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne? Advisor: let me take their temperature Queen: ? Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king Queen: how do you know? Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
@donni: MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city ME: So long, suckers! *hops in city and drives away* MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
@MattTheBrand: [family dinner] my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i've introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.