@PrisonCookies: Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
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@ArfMeasures: PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son? ME: Yes [home] WIFE: Where's Tommy? ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
@toujours_fab: My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking 'with each other' was the wrong response.
@KateBrauning: By age 30 you should have: $3 in savings $5,000 in credit card debt Existential dread A favorite spoon One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
@myles_morrison: Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.