Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
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I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……