Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
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As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
sleeping beauty
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what