Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
You Might Also Like
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
😂 amazing answer
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.