@WilliamAder
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
@jwoodham
Just once I’d like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, “Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood.”
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@WilliamAder
@AimeeHelene1
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
@onion_an
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
@TheDailySchmuck
Don’t worry about the grass on the other side.
It’s not your grass.
@OBiiieeee
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
@brookeisgolden
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
@OfficialMizGin
Want to know the real reason girls go to the bathroom together?
The air hockey table.
All our bathrooms have one.
@HatfieldAnne
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
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@daemonic3
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.