@jwoodham

Just once I’d like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, “Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood.”

You Might Also Like

@WilliamAder

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

@AimeeHelene1

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

@onion_an

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

@OBiiieeee

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

@brookeisgolden

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

@OfficialMizGin

Want to know the real reason girls go to the bathroom together?

The air hockey table.

All our bathrooms have one.

@HatfieldAnne

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:2;}

@daemonic3

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.