I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Just once I’d like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, “Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood.”
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Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Don’t worry about the grass on the other side.
It’s not your grass.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
A PORK CHOP
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Want to know the real reason girls go to the bathroom together?
The air hockey table.
All our bathrooms have one.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body
[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood
[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.