A ladies magazine told me to compliment my wifes booty. So I told her I was glad it wasn’t hairy. I need a place to stay
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
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That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R
M: Oh my god! Mom!
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of “hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.