@jordan_stratton

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

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@flashember

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

@simoncholland

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

@GrandadJFreeman

Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you…

@favamp

If I were a dinosaur, I’d be a swagasaurus.

@mommajessiec

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

@funflaps

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

@occupied_stall

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

@Marlebean

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

@iwearaonesie

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing