@jordan_stratton

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

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@jeff_ratfamily

A ladies magazine told me to compliment my wifes booty. So I told her I was glad it wasn’t hairy. I need a place to stay

@BuckyIsotope

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

@kimtopher22

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

@Love_bug1016

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

@rickygervais

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

@SortaBad

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

@kimtopher22

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

@Tmoney68

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

@Darlainky

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

@madlymomming

The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of “hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.