Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

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YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear


Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?


Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you…


If I were a dinosaur, I’d be a swagasaurus.


7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.


Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW


I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.


I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”


wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing