Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS