Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

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If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.


wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*


“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee


My son just turned on my parents radio and said ‘hey, Google!’ Perplexed that it didn’t respond.


“I’ll have what she’s having.”
” Sir, this is a gynecolo-”
“Shhhh.. *puts finger over Dr’s lips* I said I’ll have what she’s having.”


The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.


Manager to waiter:
Wait for it..
Wait for it..
(Sees me take a huge bite of food)
Go! Go! Go!
Waiter: so how is everything today?


How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.