@vikkaroni

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

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@Just__J0

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

@IamEnidColeslaw

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

@Karate_Horse

[tense situation in the war room]
“Ok now type in the nuke codes EXACTLY as I say them or it’ll blow.1-4-7-teen”
CRAP
[huge explosion]

@BritXNic

For every person pleased at meeting their TC in real life. Another 762 are climbing out of bathroom windows and smashing their phone.

@PickleRudd

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

@Rainbowbunee

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

@AllanForsyth

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

@bigmacher

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

@hunz74

Police sketch artists are a bunch of con artists.