A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
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rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
[tense situation in the war room]
“Ok now type in the nuke codes EXACTLY as I say them or it’ll blow.1-4-7-teen”
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
For every person pleased at meeting their TC in real life. Another 762 are climbing out of bathroom windows and smashing their phone.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Police sketch artists are a bunch of con artists.