@vikkaroni

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

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@Big_Cat74

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

@SpacemanQuisp

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

@SunnySideUp1987

If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.

@SteveKoehler22

If you use a wrong word in a tweet
and a grammar nazi loses his shit-

Try these consoling words :
“Their, there, they’re. It’ll be okay”

@1Bad_Scientist

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

@AlexRogaski

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

@SooInnocentDad

My son and his friends are great … They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home

@kieransofar

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time