Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
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my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Me too door. Me too.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*