Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
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Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.
If you use a wrong word in a tweet
and a grammar nazi loses his shit-
Try these consoling words :
“Their, there, they’re. It’ll be okay”
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
My son and his friends are great … They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time