Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
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Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
The dark side of Canada
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.