Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
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Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Shower sex be like:
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*