If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
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me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.