Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
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Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Tremendous stuff
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless