Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

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Me: Wanna see pics of my dog?

Person: No

Me: Great! This is him playing. This is him sleeping. This is him being the CUTEST DOG EVER.


“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals


Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone


Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice


[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”


octopus: [spinning so fast it takes off]

me: [nodding] helicoptopus


*Fires off jokes*
*Kidnappers helpless in laughter*
“..and that’s how your granpappy saved baby Jesus.”

– Me, someday


Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor’s yard to cut it down is an art.


sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go