Me: Wanna see pics of my dog?
Me: Great! This is him playing. This is him sleeping. This is him being the CUTEST DOG EVER.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
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“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me: collaborate and listen
Me: you forget about me
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
octopus: [spinning so fast it takes off]
me: [nodding] helicoptopus
*BUSTS DOWN DOOR*
*Fires off jokes*
*Kidnappers helpless in laughter*
“..and that’s how your granpappy saved baby Jesus.”
– Me, someday
Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor’s yard to cut it down is an art.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go