I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
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All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Running your mouth is not cardio.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Mad Max Arctic Road