@bornmiserable: [office] BOSS: are you busy ME: would you like me to be

@FannyB1tch: Was glancing through the Obituaries this morning and found it really creepy that all these people managed to die in alphabetical order.

@mommajessiec: If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

@FloodyHippie: My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger. --how I cancel dates

@ShortSleeveSuit: It’s like all of my wife’s friends say - stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house