The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
How do dragons blow out candles?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..