@SteveKoehler22

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

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@MariyaAlexander

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

@dmc1138

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

@KentWGraham

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

@Carmel_Coleman

Had a girl say “I want you to treat me like a virgin” So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.

@QwertyJones3

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

@TheTweetOfGod

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

@GrantTanaka

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

@hazelmotes1

I constantly google “how to put your kids up for adoption” so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I’m not messing around.

@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

@KalvinMacleod

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*