Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
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In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
😅🤣😂
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.