Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
You Might Also Like
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work