Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
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Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]