Brands during Pride
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So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”