@Chumpstring

Just ordered me some pizza!

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@RobocopLust

I got a tapeworm once back in the 80s. Now I have an mp3worm.

@FrogAvalanche

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

@AKcrazy18

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

@Dani_Feld

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

@WheelTod

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

@writerPT

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

@TheWoodenslurpy

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

@david8hughes

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

@nedostup

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

@samfromks

I told my 3 year old that Skittles are Care Bear meat and now I have the bag to myself.