Just ordered me some pizza!
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Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session