I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
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Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no