just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
You Might Also Like
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.