@BrewThePigeon

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

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@KateQFunny

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

@AbleLikes

Of course I’m a leader, if you count leading astray.

@English_Channel

me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them

@delusions_of

My fighting style is best known as grabbing the last slice of pizza and running away.

@batkaren

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

@no_el_la

“feed the cat”

– boring
– oversimplifies the dynamic
– sounds like a chore

“fatten the beast”

– interesting
– pleasing to the ear
– gives power where power is due

@ShootyDoody

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

@monicaheisey

just accidentally clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like some kind of child emperor

@thenatewolf

J.R.R. Tolkien invented an entire language for the elves but where the hobbits live is called Hobbiton.

@MariyaAlexander

Swimming is my favorite recreational activity that’s also a desperate attempt not to die