just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”


“What subjects do you toot?”

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TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.



Of course I’m a leader, if you count leading astray.


me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them


My fighting style is best known as grabbing the last slice of pizza and running away.


Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach


“feed the cat”

– boring
– oversimplifies the dynamic
– sounds like a chore

“fatten the beast”

– interesting
– pleasing to the ear
– gives power where power is due


Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.


just accidentally clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like some kind of child emperor


J.R.R. Tolkien invented an entire language for the elves but where the hobbits live is called Hobbiton.


Swimming is my favorite recreational activity that’s also a desperate attempt not to die