Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
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me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Well, that didn’t work.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time