Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
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Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Cha-ching is my safe word
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.