@whatbabytalk

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

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@Holy_Mowgli

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

@jannable9

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

@MarfSalvador

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

@TheAlexP

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

@PascalSloths

Petting my dog with a spatula cause I’m too lazy to reach and he is too lazy to move closer

Why is there a spatula in my room?

@poizngrl

If my children are any indication of how much I talk, I would now like to apologize to any man I’ve ever dated…EVER

@FatherWithTwins

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

@gengen874

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

@DirtMcTurd

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

@sir_shithead_I

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.