Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

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As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.


I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?


her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags


Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.


Petting my dog with a spatula cause I’m too lazy to reach and he is too lazy to move closer

Why is there a spatula in my room?


If my children are any indication of how much I talk, I would now like to apologize to any man I’ve ever dated…EVER


Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.


Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”


When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.


Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.