Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it.”
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
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THE TEACHER ASKED A QUESTION ON ZOOM AND SOMEONE PLAYED A CRICKET SOUND EFFECT ???????
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.