Guard: Before we put you in the electric chair what would you like to eat for your last meal?
Me: The electric chair please
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
You Might Also Like
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I love scary movies!, I say as I turn on all the lights to go to bed.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing
[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Cats are so lucky. Nobody thinks twice when they run from company and hide under the bed. I do it and its “weird”.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.