It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
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DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
There’s something I should tell you…
“Oh god what is it”
I have crabs
*holds up two crabs*
“Oh I thought you meant-”
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.