@MomofTeen

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

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@SondraDeeMe

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

@longwall26

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

@SatansTongue

There’s something I should tell you…
“Oh god what is it”
I have crabs
“NOOO”
*holds up two crabs*
“Oh I thought you meant-”
And HIV
“NOOO”

@GrantTanaka

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

@agnessaintcalf

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

@TheBoydP

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

@MichaelTrying

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

@fro_vo

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

@joefrog1

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.