@MomofTeen

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

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@brynnester

[Death Row]
Guard: Before we put you in the electric chair what would you like to eat for your last meal?
Me: The electric chair please
Guard: But…

@Tylerosis

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

@Nikkeya08

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

@CakeThrottle

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

@kwirkyKerri

I love scary movies!, I say as I turn on all the lights to go to bed.

@donni

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

@SondraDeeMe

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

@ShortSleeveSuit

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

@Zombie_Kit

Cats are so lucky. Nobody thinks twice when they run from company and hide under the bed. I do it and its “weird”.