Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
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I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
those birds must be on payroll
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.