*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
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Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
i smell a pulitzer
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope