Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
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Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.