i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
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My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Kids, do not try this at home!
Not all heroes wear capes…
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck