Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
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I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.