Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
You Might Also Like
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.